hah. i'm not sure if its age, personality, character, morals or whatever. but there are really some ppl who i just cannot understand why they act the way they act. what? do they enjoy pimping themselves out or something. i find it extremely degrading. making yourself so fucking available. HAH. suddenly i feel so disgusted by it all. and as much as i had my interest piqued, and i do like being there. i'm suddenly abit turned off by it all. but still my love for my darling will make everything right eh (; my darling who rang me just as i thought of calling my darling. hahaha.

i can't do it. i really can't do it. i saw it with ____ in the past. and i lost to it. and now its happening all over again. well admittedly with a lot less finesse then e previous one. hahaha. i have respect for e previous one, but nothing much for e current one. urghs. i really wonder how ppl can put themselves on silver platters. cos no matter what, my pride refuses to let me to do it. i think i'll just stick with the one in my heart. the largest occupied room in my heart.

wanlin is in town. met up with her, had dimsum, walked covent garden, swept through topshop. hahaha oh how i've missed that adorable girl. its like we hardly talk online, we meet maybe 3-4 times a year. but we can talk like no time has passed. its terribly funny how the only friends i have from my jc class are 3 girls and 5 boys. smirks. oh but the talking was wonderful. so much spilling out, one after another, rushing to the surface. understanding and love. the best.

the simple luxuries in life. having cold jap milk tea in your fridge. or a bottle of yummy ginger & lemongrass tea. warm fluffy robe to slip into when you wake up in the morning. a cup of hot chinese tea freshly brewed in the afternoon. bacon in the morning. magazine subscriptions to your door. haha.

not worth it. until something happens to sweep my inhibitions away. definitely NOT worth it :p

: over and over :: rachael yamagata :

i feel really really torn about it all. i'm not sure why i'm doing the things i'm doing. and i genuinely want to do it, but everytime i think of it turning out lousy, i get really turned off -.- sighs. fuck la. i don't know.

i think i'm really asking to get burnt. i really wonder what the fuck shit i'm doing. i always did like difficult things. just that i don't really have much confidence in it. fuck

kal's over. been here for one half days alr. its been fantastic (((: hahaha, we're going to make our crazy london shopping sprees a tradition. grins. bloody awesome. but i spent so so so much money today 0_o its erh quite bad. like really quite bad. heh. i'm on a self-imposed spending restriction for e next two weeks. with the exception of xmas presents & sweden. hehh.

what can you do with a sentimental heart

i'm tripping over rainbows

i'm going to sound so snotty and snobbish for saying all this. but i can't stand it anymore. grrs. i think we've been spoiled as dancers in rj. we're so used to a certain level of professionalism, dance skills and performance abilities. while spore doesn't have the number of world class dancers as say USA or maybe even UK, but i really think that we at the very least pride ourselves on putting on a well thought out, clean, professional performance. we weren't perfect for amarante. i see many mistakes in our videos. but the amount of effort and dedication that meant into that performance was fantastic. we gave our entire life up to dance, to perform. and then sentio.. it wasn't perfect either, but i always felt myself improving as a dancer, as a performer, as a choreographer. all e performances and dances forced us to grow as dancers, and improve. and yet now i feel like i'm falling back all the way to the days of inexperienced unprofessionalism again. and i hate it. just one pract and i'm so disgruntled. fuck.

i want to keep improving, but when half of e pract you have your ic asking you what you want, what you think e item should be like, what we want to do now. god. i want to throttle her alr. she's not a bad dancer, and an ok choreographer. but goodness this is not how a dance pract should be. groans. i'd take zaki barking orders ANYDAY ok. oh how i miss lao shi & zaki ): i just want to compete in ballroom damnit. that's all i want. cos if i have a partner, we're accountable to ourselves and ourselves alone, and what we achieve is based solely on our hard work. sighs. i'm damn sian of this nonsense.

See the pyramids around the Nile
Watch the sun rise
From the tropic isle
Just remember darling
All the while
You belong to me
See the market place
In old Algiers
Send me photographs and souvenirs
Just remember
When a dream appears
You belong to me

And I'll be so alone without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too

Fly the ocean
In a silver plane
See the jungle
When it's wet with rain
Just remember till
You're home again
You belong to me

Oh I'll be so alone without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too

Fly the ocean
In a silver plane
See the jungle
When it's wet with rain
Just remember till
You're home again
You belong to me

it says so much of so many things i've been thinking about.

down wanderlust down. thank goodness of my little england trips out to the countryside (: stratford-upon-avon with sonya on saturday.

2 half weeks more before i go home (: i can't wait. i miss you you and you.

home is where the heart is

oh gooddddd. so much for the warmest winter ever in london. i'm freezing my arse, extremities and everything off -.- not funny. it snowed this morning again. GAH. i didn't see it though, was sleeping -.- but met my 2 su su for lunch at defune. authentic, good, fresh japanese sashimi and sushi. cost a bomb though 0_o but still cannot compare to my akashi. then i happily wandered into selfridges (my favourite place :p ) didn't do too much cos kal's coming on weds and we're going to do our annual selfridges crazy shopping. we did it last year, and 3 years ago. hahaha. oh i love xmas shopping with him. picked up an adorable necklace for myself. eyeing something else too. hehh.

went to borough market yesterday. awesome freshness (: hahaha. got my monmouth coffee. mulled wine, scallops, prosciutto, pate and mozzarella all courtesy of my uncle (((: hahaha. then we just randomly wandered all e way to bank, and then walked up to liverpool street where i discovered the most fantastic back streets and the coolest shops. teehee. i'm in loveee (: i'm so heading back soon! yay.

i spent more money again -.- sighs. bad bad bad. but how to stop when kal's coming to shop with me on weds and xmas presents and all ): dieeee. e only consolation is e exchange rate. hahaha.

i'm really really pleased with how my jap lessons are going (((: hahaha. tsuki said my pronounciation's very accurate. yayyy. haha. angie and i are heading to japan in summer, and tsuki's asking me to drop by kobe. she has a brother. ding ding. teehehee. how i love my jap boys. kaylene keeps asking tsuki to intro us -.- and tsuki was all 'he dates older girls!' malu sia. hahaha.

its funny how easily i'm remembering everything now.. as compared to when i tried learning it last year. gosh has it only been last year 0_o it feels like forever. hmms.

i went for my first dance pract for my item today. and alr i'm getting annoyed. the ic's very very wishy-washy. and then there's this masters student who's freaking bossy and damn cao bin. hahaha. sorry must type in mucho singlish so they kan bu dong. fuck la, i taught 8 (not counting jem) boys how to jive & cha cha. i taught 4 of them from scratch. and at e end of e day all of them could cha cha, jive and do all e bloody lifts and drops. so don't come and fucking tell me 'its impossible' and how i don't really know what's going on, and how you KNOW its damn hard -.- what kind of fucking 'haven't even try want to give up' kinda attitude is that. and its like last time some ppl want to kao bei me about stuff. fine. even if i don't like you, i still respect you as a good dancer. but the thing is i don't even really respect her as a good dancer. so wtf. and now its in reading week and clashing with my planned nyc holiday. urghs. its annoying e shit out of me.

but anyway, i have a new lomo camera to play with :DDD i bought the actionsampler in limited edition hot pink. teeheee. i happy :D so now i have a white coloursplash, yellow holga & pink actionsampler. bounces bounces. happieee. and my uncle's arrived, we've made plans alr for borough market tmr morning + hakkasan on sunday. heh, should i drag him to selfridges. grins. but then again i've never done the actual CAN YOU BUY ME THIS thing with him. he always buys in his own time and way one. hahaha.

yayy angie baby's coming with me to london when i head back from notts end of term (: more london time with angie.

antique bakery is seriously the physical manifestation of my fantasies. eeks! i absolutely cannot cannot wait!

i've seen very neat and synchronised dancing before. but this is SYNCHRONISED to hell. omg. very random. but 0_o



korean popstars take e cake with all e girlgroups boybands moves i tell you. haha.

dinner at kaylene's tonight with alex, angela, tsuki & jag was lovely (: i even made burnt butter brown sugar cupcakes!!! teehee, kaylene found all e equipment. rocked my world la. it just feels so right to bake. made everything bad go away.

i'm getting really really annoyed with some ppl. ppl who are bad-tempered, bratty, selfish, unscrupulous or lazy. arghs.

i love you ming! 3 more weeks! heee

deathcab twice in a year :p awesomeness. hahaha. i'm very sad that when i watch them the next time, i will be legally an adult ): though not one at heart. hahaha. transatlanticism. oh my heart. haha. went with joyce & shib. went to brixton academy, which was like really dodgy -.- but haha, turned out alright in the end (((:

urghs. i'm cramping. missed alot alot of school this week 0_o haha. but at least i'm still keeping up with my reading. sighs. so tired so tired. only good thing is that my uncle's arriving tmr (with kway tiao i might add. hee) to bring me to eat good food. then kal's coming next weds and we're heading to orrery at marylebone and then selfridges. and wan lin's here on friday. plus stratford on sat with sonya. happiness! hehee. then e following week is PIAH week cos at e end of e following week its STOCKHOLM! and then e thurs before i go home, i'm heading up to notts AGAIN. hahaha. to party with angie baby and her housemates. grins. bounces bounces. everything's looking good (:

i need you so much closer
i need you so much closer

i really don't like quitting. i have an extremely low level of respect for ppl who quit. i think what's most important in life is relying on yourself. you can't expect someone to spoonfeed you your entire life. if the ppl around you are incompetent. deal with it damnit. stop using them as excuses for you to quit. urghs

this is how bored i am in lecture that i'm ranting.

fuck. i'm so pms-ing its not funny. i'm hungry like a hungry ghost, ill, snippy & bitchy. and since i'm trying to stay on my bloody diet till my uncle comes, and after that. i'm one hell of a bitch to be around. grumbles. (stomach's grumbling too)

gahhhh. so many things i want to eat. my bacon & avocado sandwich from toast, char kway tiao, chicken rice, hokkien mee, parma & rocket pizza from italian kitchen, squid, duck & stir-fry from busaba eathai. WAILS

can't get you off of my mind

i always liked playing with fire. literally and metaphorically. hah. but like a burst of flame on a match, it burns fast, before disappearing. leaving you with a charred piece of twisted wood, and stinging fingers. its the ones that burn the fastest and strongest that leaves you with the worst wounds, and yet the strongest memories of the short short time. the large bonfires just slowly die out. bit by bit. always safely giving you warmth, and you're safe as long as you stand and watch it from the distance. its just there. i can't decide if i really miss it when its gone. other than the slow warmth. what else is there to it?

nottingham was AWESOME ((((: angie baby time = happy wj time. hahaha. went shopping, had lovely dinners, met her wonderful housemates, and had a picnic under these gorgeous trees and falling autumn leaves. teehee. i happy.

just that i'm suffering now from e consequences of a picnic in winter -.- brilliant.

Gone
She's gone
How do you feel about it?
That's what I thought
You're real done up about it
And I wish you the best
But I could do without it
And I will because you've worn me down
Oh I will because you've worn me down
Worn me down like a road
I did anything you told
Worn me down to my knees
I did anything to please
But you can't stop thinking about her
No you can't stop thinking about her
And you've wrong
You've wrong
I'm not overreacting
Something is off
Why don't we ever believe ourselves'
And I, Oh I
I feel that word for you
And I will because you've worn me down
Oh I will because you've worn me down
Worn me down like a road
I did anything you told
Worn me down to my knees
I did anything to please
But you can't stop thinking about her
No you can't stop thinking about her
She's so pretty
She's so damn bright
But I'm so tired of thinking about her again tonight
Worn me down like a road
I did anything you told
Worn me down to my knees
I did anything to please
But you can't stop thinking about her
No you can't stop thinking about her
Worn me down like a road
I did anything you told
Worn me down to my knees
I did anything to please
But you can't stop thinking about her
No you can't stop thinking about her

sometimes i wonder if love can fade with time, or the longing and pining can fade. and you 'move on', does it mean that it wasn't really love to begin with? it is the idealistic romantic in me that wants to believe that true love lasts for eternity (despite the clicheness of that line). hahaha. but then again how do you tell what's love. alot of ppl judge it by length. which i don't really believe. i think one day is enough to fall in love, maybe even shorter. you might not have to know the person's background, likes, dislikes whatever. but as long as you're in love with the image that was presented before you during that time, its love. you can be conned by lies, and feel cheated by it all. but you cannot deny you loved. that's what i believe anyway.

its not so bad now. distance is good. brings me less heartache.

i still haven't gone back there since that magical, wonderful time so long ago. i've blacked out all the unhappy memories. i can't even really remember the sequence of events. but the feelings i get when i still think of that place makes my heart warm.

SNOW PATROLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL IS COMING!!! teehee.

shib's in. cui & joyce? its snow patrol! :D they've got a new cd out, i want. heh. go back spore buy, cheaper -.-

KAWAIIIIII. omggg so cutee :D i just want to die with the cuteness of momiji. teeheehee. this is all i want for christmas this year. please please please! they are message dolls & each dolls means a diff thing :p you can write a note, and erh shove it up its feet (so tempted to say ass). hahaha. so yes, please please please?

'you glow, like a chinese lantern' oh i love dorota. or however you spell her name. hahaha. bloody hilarious.

bounces. can't wait for fri. been clearing my homework and reading like siao for this weekend. wheeee.

omg, my alexander wang dress is finally on sale. teeheehee. don't you just love shopbop.

sometimes i find the people in lse so boring. part of me wishes i was in school that had art, history, fashion and all kinds of students. though i must say, i don't really feel like i'm missing out or anything. shrugs.

i'm not brilliant or eccentric, nor very musically-inclined in a edgy cool kinda way, nor do i appear very reliant on others (while in actual fact i really need you). i don't do crazy spontaneous things. i like everything planned out nicely, with all e details fixed. while i do have my moments of insanity, they're usually small things that happen within the framework of a structured thing. i wish i had the ability to just cut loose sometimes. to not care so much about others, not in the sense of what they think. but rather how will my actions affect others. while i always say london makes me feel so free, i realise that due to my own actions, it is a structured freedom, of which e rules are self-imposed. hence the sudden hunger for that one year in usa. to cut loose. to lose those inhibitions. before i buckle down and start working life..

woots the new gossip girl episode's out. teehee. i was so fucking tired today i promptly fell asleep on the FLOOR after eating dinner -.- don't ask. then woke up shivering half an hour later, crawled into bed with contacts on and everything only to wake up at 3 plus. and ordering my 120 slide film online. i damn smart right. hahaha.

i think the amount of money i've been spending online is insane. the amount of time i go out nowadays is so much less than last year, but i still make up for e spending by shopping online -.- gosh. its so bad. haha. asos. ae. lomography.com. shopbop. ooh this is insane. poor kaleni has to bring like erh 15 items over when he comes visit :p WHOOPS. hahaha

i've been prancing around my room in my gorgeous yellow & black satin d&g pumps. hehee. reminds me of angie baby, who i'm going to see this friday. bounces. hence the mad rush to finish 2 essays and all my readings. sheesh. i'm bringing my shoes back to spore. hehh, so my maid can watch over them. haha, ie, keeping them clean, dry and happy.

my finger got fucking caught in the hinge of the door yesterday. hurt like hell ): so pain that finger was all swollen (it still is), and i was almost in tears )))): pain pain pain. still aching today. sighs. stupidity i tell you

many nights i just lie in my bed, listening to the sound of trolley bags and luggages rolling over the cobblestone streets below my window. and sometime i just wish i was one of them, ready to start a new adventure.

i'm a wanderer. and yet at the same time a nester. hah. the irony

OMGOMGOMG REBECCA BLOOMWOOD IS COMING TO LIFE! eeeks. confessions of a shopaholic the movie. oh kill me with happiness now!

i am the queen of random thoughts at god-forsaken hours.

i wonder if i'm very self-centered. negative connotations aside. or if i'm just very self-sufficient. on my new double bed, which is massive for me seeing as how i've slept in a super single my entire life, i sleep right smack in the center. while i never move from the boundaries of a single bed in e middle of e double bed, i wonder if the fact that i sleep in the middle, not making space for anyone else even in my sleep is a significant thing? that subconsciously i know i don't need someone. hmms.

interesting. i need to ask goldfish about what this all means :p hahaha, she might end up as my shrink next time. smirks.

i'm spending wayyy too much money. buying too much things. splurging too much. but i really think i'm living the life (: hahaha

i love...

weekend trips to europe
a glass of wine with dinner
popping down to selfridges when i'm sad for a pick-me-up
revamping my wardrobe
having the chance to dress up everyday- when i wake up in time
having a quiet night in with my teenvogue, vogue & nylon & a cup of hot tea
frivolous online shopping sprees
having ppl all around the world coming to visit me
my huge spacious room to lounge in
good friends who enjoy life with me
extravagant meals (hakkasan, yumyum)
friends who genuinely care
watching fireworks over the river thames (not as cool as it sounds)
walking hand in hand in london with my own chimney
parcels
gorgeous shoes

and its funny how i spend more time studying this year, and yet i feel like i'm doing more, experiencing more, seeing more. so when sometimes some things get me down.. i think of how blessed i am, and i can't help but smile like a manic idiot, and be oh so grateful. haha.

now with the dip sing abolished.. i'm so damn tempted to do a year in usa for my masters. so so tempted. i wonder if i'll get disowned if i end up in parsons in e middle of my masters :p hah. ALEXANDER WANG NEW YORK. eeeks.

so stockholm's booked. nottingham to find angie this coming weekend. deathcab again middle of e week. 2 su su e following weekend. then stratford-upon-avon with sonya e next. stockholm after that. and then back to spore. hehee. this term is looking oh so fabulous.

and with possibly a dublin weekend with angie in jan, kaylene & angela saying yes to nyc in feb reading week, snow patrol mid march, a trip to somewhere sunny in the works with angie in easter, and also one possibly with hongmin to barcelona. everything's looking WONDERFUL. wheeeeeeee.

now all i gotta do is finish my darn EU & commercial contracts essays & all e bloody reading before wanjun heads off to nottingham to play.

oh yes, CONGRATS ANGIE BABY (: i knew you could do it. teehee. let's get smashed friday night to celebrate k. hee (:

no one speaks to me like dcfc sometimes.

We're not the same, dear, as we used to be.
The seasons have changed and so have we.
There was little we could say, and even less we could do
To stop the ice from getting thinner under me and you.

We bury our love in the wintery grave
Along came the snow, that was all that remained.
But we stayed by its side as the days turned to weeks
And the ice kept getting thinner with every word that we'd speak.

And when spring arrived
We were taken by surprise when the floes under our feet bled into the sea
And nothing was left for you and me.

We're not the same, dear,
And it seems to me
There's nowhere we can go
With nothing underneath.
And it saddens me to say
But we both know, well, it's true
That the ice was getting thinner
Under me and you.
The ice was getting thinner
Under me and you.

What will it take for you to look at me, and really see me?
Or will that day never come.

smirks. oh how i love facebook stalking sometimes. a sin i indulge in once in awhile. hahaha.

hmms. i can smell it floating around. how interesting. sorry i'm a sucker for signs of fate kinda person. hahaha.

everyone's in the same situation. varied by countries, but similar to a large extent (the chant 'you may say to a large extent, you may say to a small extent, you may not say to a certain extent' keeps floating around in my head). the ever growing rip in the fabric. you pull, they pull. it will just keep tearing till one day either it simply splits into two pieces, or you just give up on pulling. and while it remains one piece, there's still that irreparable tear there. but there's a chance someone notices that tear, and everyday you just wait for that. praying it doesn't come too late. hah.

had a really good dinner + talk with shib today (: heart you dear! stockholm here we come!

aching it is. aching.

i wonder if its desperation or despair that's fuelling my actions sometime. shrugs. i don't really want to peer too deeply into it. lest i see something that disgusts me. haha.

damnit, i need to go buy it.

i amaze myself at how good i can cook sometimes. HAHAHA sorry excuse my bout of arrogance. teehee.

abercrombie guys are HOT HOT HOT. swoons. i smell like abercrombie. seriously. haha

WOOHOOOOOOOOO! BARACK OBAMA :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

yes for minority, race, change, hope, the young and everything that barack obama represents (((: woots. i'm bloody happy. hahaha. and my head is throbbing from a whole night of trying to do my property essay and watching the american elections. sheesh. head pain man.

smirks, palin can eat shit and die. hahaha.

now that the dip sing is going to be abolished.. i suddenly feel this onslaught of stress and worrying. that means my internships this yr wherever, london or spore really count now. and all i have left is one and a half years of carefree freedom. before i start working. i really don't want to start working. it kinda scares me. i want to flounder in the happy absence of time. suddenly e idea of doing a masters in harvard is really tempting me.

the simple pleasures in life. a hot warm duvet to snuggle under on a rainy afternoon. a cup of cold tea after a hot shower. a hand to hold in the frigid cold morning. a smile to chase the tears away. a slow melody to waltz to. a 'i love you', 'i miss you', 'can't wait till you come home'. i'm all about the simple pleasures in life.

no one does a season finale quite like greys. i know i'm many months late, but whatever. so many things swirling around my head. to see the big picture, to see what's important. i'm a hoarder. i hoard everything so no one else can have it. i keep things in case one day i might like them again. till i end up with a room full of junk. and then one day, i'll just snap and throw everything away, junk, useful things everything. i don't know how to let go gradually. its black and white like that for me. i really don't know what is the most important things for me in life now, but i know i can't let that go. it keeps me going everyday. everyday i try to be a better person, to live my life the way i want to, to be happy. and that keeps me going after that idealistic dream.

i wish i could blurt it all out. i'm quite amazed at how much i've kept everything in. but that's e way i chose it. to keep it hidden, left festering in a corner.

i look at the band.. and i think of how i'm so like my mother. we don't wait for things to come, to happen, we don't rely on others. but rather we make things happen for ourselves. she taught me that. she taught me i don't need anyone to make me feel special. and i believe. yet sometimes what i want, is not the things you can do for me. but you. you for who you are.

at the end of the day, i wonder how we'll stand. together or apart, and if apart.. alone?

i know we could be extraordinary together, and i want us to be extraordinary together, and not ordinary alone.

oooh the us elections are on this tuesday :DDDD i'm excited. haha. prob gonna stay up to watch. all e way till weds morning. grins. GO OBAMA!!! hahaha. i advocate 'daring to dream', i believe there's nothing i can't do, as long as i fight for it. so yeah, obama's my kind of a candidate. the idealism and change he is fighting for, i love it. hahaha. this is prob e only time i wish i was in e usa. haha, if i was, i'd be campaigning from him damnit. heh.

i would like to believe in the goodness of this world. of people, and that bastards who do not give a fuck about others, are self-centered, make friends with a fake smile on their face in the bid to network more, and will step on others just to get where they want to be belong to the minority of the world. i am a optimist at heart, despite my cynicism on somedays. i don't feel that makes me naive or that it is a folly of my youth. but rather a desire to be the best kind of person i can be (not a perfect one, thank you), and to have similar souls around me. i don't believe in that being an adult and entering the working world, you have to scheme to take others down to bring yourself up, or that 'childish' ideals like friendship and loyalty stand for nothing. i refuse to be a player in that disgusting scheming world, and i'm going to hold on to what i believe.

youthful idealism. hell yeah.

i love my mingkie-poo so much so much. in a protective way that i can't even find the words to really explain. she makes me heart swell like nobody can.

wan jun is happy. well i was getting abit down just now (pms probably), but with a booked ticket to stratford upon avon (birthplace of shakespeare) with sonya, a mini asos shopping spree & notts to come. i'm feeling alot more chirpier. hahaha. just that i'm getting massively poor -.-

sighs. got so much reading and essay to do. sian diao.

but halloween as a jap sch girl was massively drunk and pretty fun i think. hahaha. so yesh. its been a good, fun, tiring week. and now i'm off to retire to bed to spend some time with chalmers & thompson (eu law & prop law authors). ain't life wonderful :p

i wonder if i will still have that urge when you're gone. gaping hole. a little blackhole in my heart that nothing can fill.

i'm dreaming of christmas again (: